Teen Journals & Privacy

I remember thinking when my son was small, all my parenting worries would lessen over time. A sentiment which now sounds pretty hilarious. Potty training has got nothing on trying to get a teenager to mumble two words in your direction.

My son and I are pretty close and honestly, up until 8th grade, I could count on him to share almost everything with me. Right on developmental cue, that openness started to shrink around his 13th birthday. I knew it was coming, but I don’t think I can express just how hard it was to accept.

He said to me once, “Please stop asking me what’s wrong. I’m fine.” It had become my nervous tic to ask him this. His closed face was so unfamiliar to me, I couldn’t help but worry. But nothing was amiss; he just didn’t feel like talking to me so much anymore.

But the question was, if he wasn’t sharing his thoughts, dreams, worries, and fears with me, who was his sounding board now?

I remember having such closeness with my friends in my teen years. Sadly, that doesn’t seem to be the norm with the kids I know, including my son. I understood his closest confidante would no longer be me. The question was, who was anyone stepping in to fill that role now?

There was something else that got me through the tumultuous teen years: my journal. I was a voracious journal keeper and don’t know if I could have made it through high school without those pages. I suggested my son keep one, and he laughed in a dismissive way.

“Why, so you can read it?” The accusation hurt, but I saw where he was coming from. When we finally got him a phone in 8th grade, we told him the one caveat was that it wasn't quite private; we reserved the right to peruse his texts. It was a reminder to keep it clean and kind more than anything else. I wanted him to think about what he was writing if he knew the adults who love him might be watching.

I could see why he would think I would treat a journal the same way, but he is wrong. My journal was important to me when I was his age and continues to be. I understand that it should be a sacred, private space (my own mother didn’t see it that way, however). I don’t need to remind him of his manners in those pages. He is free and encouraged to say whatever he wants, be whomever he wants – try on different personas, ideals, beliefs. To me, unless real concerns about self-harm or other catastrophic challenges arise, a journal doesn’t need monitoring. So, what are the benefits of keeping a journal? And what do the experts say about keeping your nose out of the one your teen keeps?

Why Journaling Matters

Life is complicated for us all, but especially for teens. They are trying to navigate home life, school, extra-curriculars, friendships. And all while still trying to figure out who they are! A journal is the perfect place to work through all the challenges, successes, and failures of the day. And it comes with the added bonus of working on their writing and clarifying their unique voice.  

Robin Freed, former senior assistant director of admission at Georgetown University, says that the thread that runs through nearly every college application essay prompt is self-reflection. She says:

 Journaling forces you to pause, put away the smartphone, and focus on yourself. This respite amidst your daily activities provides an opportunity for you to reflect on that difficult conversation you had with a friend that keeps replaying through your mind. It allows you the space to process the fact that you didn’t make the varsity team or to celebrate that you were cast in the lead role in the school play. Being able to engage with your thoughts and feelings in this way raises your self-awareness, helps you process emotions, and improves your ability to problem-solve.  

So it stands to reason that reading your teens diary is not the most effective way to help them develop a healthy sense of self.

Why Privacy Matters

Alexandra Solomon, PhD, author and faculty member at Northwestern University’s School of Education and Social Policy suggests thinking about why you feel the urge to read their journal in the first place. She says ask yourself:

·      What is it like for you as your teen claims space for themselves?

·      What are you grieving in this new dynamic?

·      What does it remind you of from your past?

Oof. I can tell you what it’s like, what I’m grieving, and what it reminds me of from my past. Perhaps you have similar sentiments.

We know in our minds that we’ve done our job right if they’re relying on us less, but it still hurts. We have so much wisdom we are DYING to impart, but that’s not how growing up, and growing wiser really works. Forcing them to listen to us lecture is bad enough. But reading their journals to figure out what’s going on in their inner life is even worse. Why? You know why, but I will spell it out to you: IT’S A HUGE VIOLATION OF TRUST. And let’s face it. We’re already a little suspect as it is in their eyes.

“It sends the message that private thoughts are not respected, which can hinder their emotional growth,” says Marie Vakakis, a youth and family mental health counselor and host of the podcast This Complex Life. “Rather than them feeling secure and feeling like they can trust you – which may already be difficult for them – reading their diary will shatter that completely and make it near impossible for that relationship to have the trust that you want.”

Dammit, as tempting as it might be to disagree, you know she’s right.

The experts talk about how our well-intentioned snooping, meant to bring us back into the inner circle in which we used to reside, often backfires. Nancy Darling, PhD, Oberlin College Professor of Psychology and editor-in-chief of the Journal of Adolescence says research shows the more parents pry, the more kids lie. She says:

The negative cycle and privacy invasion usually ends up in one place: distrust. Rather than bring parents and children closer, invading privacy (like reading diaries) tends to drive parents and children apart.

Reading the journal they thought was private may lead them to either share less of the deep stuff, or stop writing altogether. So, your snooping will be for naught.

A group of professors and clinicians at The Family Institute, a relationship-based behavioral health organization in Evanston, IL, came up with some better ways to handle anxiety about a lack of connection and alternatives to invading their privacy.

First, get on the same page when your teen gets a diary. Tell them you know it’s a private space. You may want to tell them you won’t read it unless you have concerns about their safety. I would like to add that you should have REAL concerns and not talk yourself into creating some to use as an excuse. Or, you could take it in another direction by agreeing to never read it without asking them first. But you’ll have to really mean that.

Don’t be ashamed to be honest with them about the anxiety you feel about losing connection with them. You can tell them that you respect their need for autonomy and admit it’s a little bit of a struggle as well. You might suggest healthy ways to reconnect, like through shared interests. Your willingness to be vulnerable with them will encourage them to do the same with you.

And when your kid throws you a bone and opens up to you, be validating, reassuring, and non-judgmental. That will encourage them to keep coming back to you when they need you. In other words, don’t flip out, don’t immediately go into problem solving mode, just listen. Remind them that you’ve been there, that nobody’s perfect, and you believe in them. And most importantly, remind them that you’ll love them for forever and a day, and nothing will ever change that.